Alone
No one understands me. No one knows what secrets I keep. And, I have no one to tell… I do not wear my feelings on the outside, trying to gain favor through them. Rather, I hide them so as to not influence others. But, I want others to know my feelings! This is the struggle I deal with, at least one of them. I want to be frank and open, but I don’t want anyone to feel emotionally obligated to act upon my hurts and joys. I feel that that would be either lying or deceiving and I cannot seem to convince myself otherwise.
I seem to be the only person who hides everything inside himself never looking for acceptance. But, I’m used to always being alone, always doing for myself. I’ve never felt like someone else needed me. Is it my fault for not telling them how much I need them? I’m used to being squashed emotionally, but that doesn’t mean I like it. In fact, I abhor it and would stop at nothing to prevent others from going through the same experience. But, when I have so blatantly been sent away, how do I come back to comfort you? Any torture would be easier than me seeing you hurting and being unable to comfort you. I hurt, not because I can’t help so much as I hurt because you hurt.
So what am I to do? It all seems so final, so finished. Yet, I refuse to let go of the last piece of hope. I refuse to simply say goodbye. I want to help you, but I am not permitted… And it hurts, because I genuinely want to help for no reason of my own, but for your sake alone. Is it wrong? Is it unusual? I do not know. I so desperately like to think that there is another out there who struggles as I do, but even in that it seems I am alone. So alone. Yet, is it not I who shut everyone out in my past? Is it not I who ran from everyone? And is this then my punishment? I know I deserve it, if that be the case… But, it’s all about second chances isn’t? If it weren’t for second chances then no one would have friends…
In closing, I really do have so many things to be thankful for that I really shouldn’t complain. I have a Savior, first and foremost, who has a plan for me. And although I do not feel worthy of His love, if He offers it to me then I must be. But, I still don’t feel as though I deserve all of this care. I am truly a wretch, and He still cares for me. I am truly pitiful and deserving of punishment, and yet He gave His life for mine. How can I turn my back on such love? I cannot. So although I do not deserve it and feel as though I shouldn’t have it, I will accept His love anyways, because it is His.
I seem to be the only person who hides everything inside himself never looking for acceptance. But, I’m used to always being alone, always doing for myself. I’ve never felt like someone else needed me. Is it my fault for not telling them how much I need them? I’m used to being squashed emotionally, but that doesn’t mean I like it. In fact, I abhor it and would stop at nothing to prevent others from going through the same experience. But, when I have so blatantly been sent away, how do I come back to comfort you? Any torture would be easier than me seeing you hurting and being unable to comfort you. I hurt, not because I can’t help so much as I hurt because you hurt.
So what am I to do? It all seems so final, so finished. Yet, I refuse to let go of the last piece of hope. I refuse to simply say goodbye. I want to help you, but I am not permitted… And it hurts, because I genuinely want to help for no reason of my own, but for your sake alone. Is it wrong? Is it unusual? I do not know. I so desperately like to think that there is another out there who struggles as I do, but even in that it seems I am alone. So alone. Yet, is it not I who shut everyone out in my past? Is it not I who ran from everyone? And is this then my punishment? I know I deserve it, if that be the case… But, it’s all about second chances isn’t? If it weren’t for second chances then no one would have friends…
In closing, I really do have so many things to be thankful for that I really shouldn’t complain. I have a Savior, first and foremost, who has a plan for me. And although I do not feel worthy of His love, if He offers it to me then I must be. But, I still don’t feel as though I deserve all of this care. I am truly a wretch, and He still cares for me. I am truly pitiful and deserving of punishment, and yet He gave His life for mine. How can I turn my back on such love? I cannot. So although I do not deserve it and feel as though I shouldn’t have it, I will accept His love anyways, because it is His.
3 Comments:
I know exactly how you feel. I don't want to share my feelings...because I'm afraid that that will burden whoever I share my true emotions to. I stuff all my fellings inside...hoping somehow if I avoid them they will dissappear. I don't think people around me would understand anyhow. The lesson today at church was about lonelyness--and then I come here and that's what you wrote about too. -Roberta
I know exactly how you feel. I cram all my emotions inside me. I don't want to burden anyone with my emotions, but I want so desperately to rid this empty feeling inside. The lesson today at church was about loneliness...I don't think this was merely a coincidence. --Roberta
that was a very moving piece of writing. i loved the ending of it, remind us all that we do have a Savior who loves us, and even though we often feel like we don't deserve it, He still loves us, and it is a gift, so we can gladly accept it. sometimes, i feel like i'm the last person on earth who deserves His love and grace, but then i am reminded that He died for people like me, people who NEED His love and His grace. your writing is very moving and it has reminded me how great the love of Jesus Christ is. =)
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